Negativity

Negativity is everywhere, yet at the same time so is positivity. Which one you choose to let affect you is all about your perspective. I finally realized this tonight. It is and will more thanlikely always be the most important realization I make. If you want to have a good day, want things to turn around, to get better, then you have to choose to see the good not then bad and not both. It's a very difficult task and its definitely harder for some than for others. But it is just as important for everyone to do. This I have come to the conclusion is the answer to my problem discussed in my previous writing (inadequacy) Sometimes you have to catch yourself and change what you are thinking of. If you find yourself being negative list your positives think about something you are looking forward to or something that will change your train of thought. Just get your mind off of what ever is bringing you down and think of something uplifting. I am aware that I am not being as articulate as usual but it is 1:14 and I haven't slept well lately well I'm calling it a night. God bless.

Inadequacy

Inadequacy... It's such a big daunting word, which in all simplicity means that one is not good enough. It is my biggest demon the one I struggle with 24 hours a day 7 days a week. One that when you don't deal with it will consume you in the entirety of who you are. Trust me, I would know. I feel that the reason this is so very hard to deal with is because you are the only one who can fix this not your friend not you family YOU and you alone can resolve this issue. It's a terrible thing to have to deal with, and if you're looking for my usual story of how I've dealt with it, well I hate to say it, but I've got nothing. This is to this very moment the demon I struggle with. The one that has me stuck at a brick wall and I am well I am at a total loss..... I'm in all truthfulness scared, and scared beyond reason I feel undeserving of what I have and I wake up every morning expecting that as it has always been before with my life that it will all fall apart that it will be gone, and that...Well, that my friend is my biggest fear.

Forgiven Unbeknownst to Me.

So, recently I was alerted to the fact that a certain pair of people were now aware of my past, the demons I struggled for so very long with, that is my usage.

I knew I would have to tell then sometime soon, but I was scared of losing someone when I did. Last night for me was at certain points emotionally devastating, and yet at the same time such a relief.

The person I was so very scared of losing, they had approached these people and told them everything. Spilled my guts for me, and made them promise her that if they didn't like me that it wouldn't be for my past, or for my mistakes I had made before. Yet if they chose not to approve of me, not to trust me that it would instead be for the person I am now the person I am striving so very hard to become.

I was hit so very hard by this, reason being, that I couldn't tell anything was different. The ways they looked at me, talked to me, and they even showed they trusted me! I was so very unprepared for this they treated me no differently than they had before.

It felt so very good to be seen not as the kid that fell from gods grace, not as the kid that used to throw parties, or the kid that had the hook up for a party, but instead as some one who was trying so very hard to change the person I had allowed myself to become.

The initial reaction I was overwhelmed and so very thankful. I just broke down and cried. For those who know me this is a big deal, I never show my emotions, other than anger or happiness. I just let loose and cried it felt so good to know that for one of the first times in my life I could let loose and not be looked down upon or judged. It was even while I was crying a feeling of overwhelming happiness over took me.

This would happen again later when I found that they were aware of the changes and the strides I had made in Getting right with god. Not only that but that they were proud of me if the person I was diligently trying to become.

I'm so very thankful for the changes god has allowed me to make, for the people e has put in my life, and for what I hope will become a story that cab help people and affect their lives. And above all else for the people god has put in my life that have helped me, and will continue to help me I couldn't ask for anything more. I cherish, no scratch that I love everyone of the people god has so recently placed in my life even those not written about today. I couldn't ask anyone for anything more than why you guys have done for me regardless of if you know it or not. Regardless of where this journey takes me and you, of how life will play out for you, me, and those around us. I promise I will never forget you, yours, or the amazing things you have done for me. Thank you so very much, for everything.

Letting go.

Today actually starting last night, the repercussions of my past actions fueled by my pasts demons hit me. And let me tell you they hit me like a truck. I have felt distant and useless pretty much all day. No matter how hard I tried no matter how hard I looked for ten I couldn't find the positives in anything. Even though I promised I'd leave the negatives behind. I have spent a lot of the 24 hours in stress and emotionally wrecked. I know how to fix the problems but I don't know how to take the steps necessary to do so. All I need to do is to let go of this greed, guilt, hate, lust, and all of the other sins I've committed along with all the things I've allowed to hold me back. All I have to do is let go, but for some reason I can't get myself to do so. This hurts me every second of everyday forces me to realize how childish I have been and continue to be how selfish my motivations at times are. And to those hurt by these actions by these motives these thought I'm sorry I truly truly am. It seems that picking up all these burdens this hate these emotions the hard part if this is letting go..

Exceeding My Expectations.

Well, as many of you know the event that have taken place in my life over the past year have been dramatic to say the least. This doesn't really tell you what I'm going to write about but what I'm referring to tonight is my father. As I wrote earlier today this is the first time since the divorce that I have of my own accord chose to go to my father's new house (he lives in Forney now), and regardless of my worrying, nothing has gone wrong at all. This relieves me beyond what words can express. I'm so very glad that this has gone so very well. Well, Im going to cut this blog short tonight. Reason being I'm gonna head out around 630 am to go see Trey (Sami's Brother) bowl in the morning and hang out with him and her all day tomorrow until she has to go to work then Trey and I are gonna hit some xbox maybe play some drums I've still got the book I learnt out of and think he might would enjoy it. Looking forward to a great day tomorrow can't wait!!!

Moving on, or rather Taking the First Steps to Doing so.

So, I'm for the first time I feel since the divorce going to my fathers house of my own accord. This is such a strange feeling for me, but a welcomed one to say the least. The relationship I feel I once had with this man is to say the least left in ruins of what it once was. I find myself worrying over this 'too good to be true' feeling I find myself to be consumed with. I've prayed about this, and whole heartedly hope it isn't going to revert to what it was a week or so ago. Life is beginning to look up, and even in the midst of all the change, and the uncertainty that accompanies it I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I have seen a drastic change in the way I look at things I've the last week and a half. I've been more careful about the music I listen to, and I really want to work on my language. This is a great start, but that's all it is the start of what I plan on being a very long journey. I just do my best to remind my self that without god I can't make these adjustments or changes, and I have to maintain this level of commitment to make the changes I want to make, and eventually become the man I hope to one day be.

Judgement, the Risk and Cost of Passing it, and Having it Passed Upon You.

"But before that can happen, Zooey tells Franny, they must respect their audiences
whether they like them or not. The Fat Lady is the image that represents this
idea. The unlikely image that they conjure in their minds shows that everyone,
no matter how ugly or stupid or egotistical, deserves to be acknowledged as a
worthwhile human being. People may have their faults, which Franny may hate, but
she should not hate the people themselves. Human beings, from the "Fat Lady" to
Jesus Christ, are all equally deserving of love."

-Unknown author analysis of J.D. Salinger's Franny & Zooey

This view, it's fundamentally perfect, and in my mind & eyes it couldn't be said in a simpler form. In my thoughts we should all conduct ourselves in this manner. Salinger used the example of the "Fat Lady" because it is an image that we as society have beent taught to reject, not want, and keep at a distance. The point the author makes is a simple, yet deep one. He's showing us that we should embrave everyone and treat this with the same compassion and the same respect we would if they were Jesus Christ themselves. Now this is idealogically perfect I know it is impossible. Everyone makes initial assesments of everyone the first time they see or meet them. I personally am terrible about this. At the risk of sounding cliche it goes back to the saying that you can't judge a book by its cover. Because not only are you attempting to do something that god didn't give us as humanbeings the capacity to do, you are more than likely wrong. I know, because I know how easy it is to throw up a front, and fool everyone around you. You never know who has seen what and who has been through what. The absolute best thing you can do is to follow the message J.D. Salinger attempted to convey to the readers, and that is to treat all human beings on the same plane. Regardless of position, worldly worth, or position. Because that image of the "Fat Lady" represents EVERYONE, you, me, even Jesus Christ. So, I ask you to do this, and I in turn will do my best to do the same. Keep in mind that you don't know everyones story; their life, hardships, trial, & tribulations. So, treat every human being with the same respect you yourself would want if not more.

Just some thoughts..

The Art that is Love, and my Experiences with it.

Current song playing: Made to Love- Toby Mac.

Love...Such a small yet o-so very powerful word. It's the only feeling that no matter how you much you may want to you have no control on as to how it will come or go. This is in my opinion one of the primary reason so many people are so closed minded about "loving" someone. Love knows no boundaries nor does it know age. Love is, well trues love anyways is blind, but it is always followed with a helping hand one at the start and more often than not many more to follow. Many will say they know who this is about, but in all actuality its about several different people. I wont mention names you can be left to ponder. But love is so very hard to keep a tab on, the amount can fluctuate in a matter of seconds, and no matter the level of animosity and/or hatred you may have towards someone. You cant just stop loving them. While hard to admit and those words come with such a bitter taste admitting the truth and the fruits of knowing it are o-so very sweet. While all of this may be an eye opener I'll leave you with these words, and one of my favorite quotes of all time. While all of this is great and its everything and more than you could ever hope for and want you have to be open spiritually as well as open with your heart to those who care. Because unless you are willing to let some one get in close and help you, you're never going to be who or what you want to be.

In the words of the late Jimmi Hendrix:

"When the power of love, overcomes the love of power then and only then will we truly know peace."

-Jimmi Hendrix

Be Who you want to be, but be fearless in doing so.

Today I arrived (late) to what I thought would be another monotonous day at high school. When I arrived to history we started with a journal the topic was this quote it read, "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-MLK
At first this seemed to be just another topic, but as I thought and began to write I realized that no truer statement could be give. When you allow yourself to become nothing more than another face in the crowd, when you allow your life to fall into a daily monotony you lose sight of your own opinions and goals.
Don't forget where you want to be and what you need to do to get there. Because when you allow people to tell you what to think, when you allow the people who are afraid to be different and so in turn they make fun of you and allow them to win. Then you lose those goals, you lose the person you are, and above all else you lose the person you wanted to be. And in the grand scheme of life there's not a more important thing you could allow yourself to lose. So stand strong, care not what others thing push those away who hinder you and pull close those that lift you up, and in turn you will lift them up. So stand strong and do so fearlessly.

Location:Interstate 30 Frontage Rd,Greenville,United States

Above the Influence and Those who have kept me there.

I do quite literally mean what I stated in the title, this may take quite a few of you by surprise but it is so. I have come to terms with some very brutal things in the past few weeks, and I'm glad I have.

It started with a trip to star bucks where I met an individual, named Cody Giles, and for the next three hours or so I told him every mistake, regret, and usage problem I had been hiding over the past year. For the first time in what i felt had been a life time, I was totally open to someone, and he made no judgement he didn't look down his nose at me. Instead he listened cared and told me what he did to recover fro his fall from gods good graces so I could start a return journey of my own.

He told me to start a new life, a better, happier life I would have to destroy the habits I had created the reliance on the terrible things I had become overwhelmed by. This was at first overwhelming and quite scary. This was by no means going to be a short or simple task, but it was something I knew to be truly happy I would have to do. I left on a high, after our three hour talk, and went home. I pulled my mother aside and told her everything I had done. The using, selling, cheating, lying, everything for the first time I withheld nothing.

It was a rough start and let me tell you when you feel you've fallen as far as I thought I had, praying is one of the strangest interactions you will ever partake in, I hit a couple snags on the way and for the sake of not getting an ear-full I will not mention any names :). After a certain hold back had been let go of I began to pray more and more. And began to experience for the first time in years a real relation with Jesus.

Taking the next step would be tough, or so I thought. It was for me to go to different churches and find a new church home. I was very nervous about this and unsure as to what I should do. Well, God is always willing to help as long as you put your best foot forward in life. He put a girl in my life named Samantha Hedgecoth she took me to church on Wednesday night where I don't think a better first sermon for me could have been delivered! They then took me on a trip Saturday night to go with their youth group to Laser tag, and then I went to church again Sunday morning. I even woke up early (7am yeah on a weekend) and brought breakfast over for her and her friend.

This has shown me that God is there for you and will give you the tools, resources, and people necessary to build, rebuild, or continue building your relationship with him. No matter how far from his path you have strayed. You may find yourself off the path he would have chosen for you, but he will always help you to get back to the path he wants to see you on. The people he put in my life that have helped me above all others to this day are Cody Giles and Sami Hedgecoth I couldn't have made the strides I have without you guys thank you.

Depression.

Depression, well depression is a very difficult thing to deal with and the way everyone approaches dealing with it is far from uniform. Its a very tough thing to deal with and can stem from a vast array of issues! Often times, its not finding the source and then dealing with the issue its having a true friend(S). Some one who will be there and listen to you even if being with you is absolutely miserable. Someone who regardless of how childish what you're upset over will sympathize. Today, this is sadly a trait that is very hard to find in people, and I for one consider myself very lucky to have more than one such person in my life. Meds can help and they will make you happy which was definitely key to me moving on from the hardships at hand, but no matter how happy you are the problems that are left unresolved are still there. One of the biggest steps in leaving a state of depression in my opinion was definitely letting go of all the anger, hate, and frustration that I had kept bottled up inside for so very long. I found every thing to be so very much more enjoyable and fun. This in my opinion opened me up to so many more things than I thought I would ever be able to do again. I helped me to open back up to people and eventually to the big man upstairs it was a critical step in getting back to where I am today. It's often hard to take the road less traveled but others have taken it before you're no trailblazer and you need to remember that. Never forget that Jesus will never let you stray too far from him, actually scratch that it is impossible to stray too far form Christ because he is everywhere. There is always hope and you can always find you're way back but you have to first forgive others and then yourself trust me I've been there I'm not as close or as open with everyone as I hope to one day be, but I have certainly made great strides.

Forgiveness.

So, as kids and through out the rest of our life as well we are always told to forgive, but never forget. However, you are never told why to forgive other than the fact that it's the "right" thing to do. However, due to recent events my eyes have been opened. You're not forgiving them to make things easier for them it's how it will it benefit you that is important. Because for you to get past the things you're holding against your self you have to let go of the grudges you hold. It's not always easy, and it's certainly not something you can normally do immediately. Regardless of when you let go of it and forgive them, until you do that you yourself won't fully be able to get past the events that occurred and move on thus being a better and certainly happier person. This proves to be true for us in many areas one such area that I have recently realized is God. To get right with him you have to be able to first, get past your own actions and in order to do that you have forgive those who have done you wrong. If you are in this position I have no doubt that this short blog will have little to no affect on your thoughts at the minute, but you will eventually come to the realization that it is the closure you have been looking for. It will in a matter of moments have an overwhelming effect on you. I know it certainly did on me. It will change the way you see situations as well as the way you wish you had handled them and how you wish others would. It will help you so very much to be the bigger, better person. I know it certainly did for me!