Negativity

Negativity is everywhere, yet at the same time so is positivity. Which one you choose to let affect you is all about your perspective. I finally realized this tonight. It is and will more thanlikely always be the most important realization I make. If you want to have a good day, want things to turn around, to get better, then you have to choose to see the good not then bad and not both. It's a very difficult task and its definitely harder for some than for others. But it is just as important for everyone to do. This I have come to the conclusion is the answer to my problem discussed in my previous writing (inadequacy) Sometimes you have to catch yourself and change what you are thinking of. If you find yourself being negative list your positives think about something you are looking forward to or something that will change your train of thought. Just get your mind off of what ever is bringing you down and think of something uplifting. I am aware that I am not being as articulate as usual but it is 1:14 and I haven't slept well lately well I'm calling it a night. God bless.

Inadequacy

Inadequacy... It's such a big daunting word, which in all simplicity means that one is not good enough. It is my biggest demon the one I struggle with 24 hours a day 7 days a week. One that when you don't deal with it will consume you in the entirety of who you are. Trust me, I would know. I feel that the reason this is so very hard to deal with is because you are the only one who can fix this not your friend not you family YOU and you alone can resolve this issue. It's a terrible thing to have to deal with, and if you're looking for my usual story of how I've dealt with it, well I hate to say it, but I've got nothing. This is to this very moment the demon I struggle with. The one that has me stuck at a brick wall and I am well I am at a total loss..... I'm in all truthfulness scared, and scared beyond reason I feel undeserving of what I have and I wake up every morning expecting that as it has always been before with my life that it will all fall apart that it will be gone, and that...Well, that my friend is my biggest fear.

Forgiven Unbeknownst to Me.

So, recently I was alerted to the fact that a certain pair of people were now aware of my past, the demons I struggled for so very long with, that is my usage.

I knew I would have to tell then sometime soon, but I was scared of losing someone when I did. Last night for me was at certain points emotionally devastating, and yet at the same time such a relief.

The person I was so very scared of losing, they had approached these people and told them everything. Spilled my guts for me, and made them promise her that if they didn't like me that it wouldn't be for my past, or for my mistakes I had made before. Yet if they chose not to approve of me, not to trust me that it would instead be for the person I am now the person I am striving so very hard to become.

I was hit so very hard by this, reason being, that I couldn't tell anything was different. The ways they looked at me, talked to me, and they even showed they trusted me! I was so very unprepared for this they treated me no differently than they had before.

It felt so very good to be seen not as the kid that fell from gods grace, not as the kid that used to throw parties, or the kid that had the hook up for a party, but instead as some one who was trying so very hard to change the person I had allowed myself to become.

The initial reaction I was overwhelmed and so very thankful. I just broke down and cried. For those who know me this is a big deal, I never show my emotions, other than anger or happiness. I just let loose and cried it felt so good to know that for one of the first times in my life I could let loose and not be looked down upon or judged. It was even while I was crying a feeling of overwhelming happiness over took me.

This would happen again later when I found that they were aware of the changes and the strides I had made in Getting right with god. Not only that but that they were proud of me if the person I was diligently trying to become.

I'm so very thankful for the changes god has allowed me to make, for the people e has put in my life, and for what I hope will become a story that cab help people and affect their lives. And above all else for the people god has put in my life that have helped me, and will continue to help me I couldn't ask for anything more. I cherish, no scratch that I love everyone of the people god has so recently placed in my life even those not written about today. I couldn't ask anyone for anything more than why you guys have done for me regardless of if you know it or not. Regardless of where this journey takes me and you, of how life will play out for you, me, and those around us. I promise I will never forget you, yours, or the amazing things you have done for me. Thank you so very much, for everything.

Letting go.

Today actually starting last night, the repercussions of my past actions fueled by my pasts demons hit me. And let me tell you they hit me like a truck. I have felt distant and useless pretty much all day. No matter how hard I tried no matter how hard I looked for ten I couldn't find the positives in anything. Even though I promised I'd leave the negatives behind. I have spent a lot of the 24 hours in stress and emotionally wrecked. I know how to fix the problems but I don't know how to take the steps necessary to do so. All I need to do is to let go of this greed, guilt, hate, lust, and all of the other sins I've committed along with all the things I've allowed to hold me back. All I have to do is let go, but for some reason I can't get myself to do so. This hurts me every second of everyday forces me to realize how childish I have been and continue to be how selfish my motivations at times are. And to those hurt by these actions by these motives these thought I'm sorry I truly truly am. It seems that picking up all these burdens this hate these emotions the hard part if this is letting go..

Exceeding My Expectations.

Well, as many of you know the event that have taken place in my life over the past year have been dramatic to say the least. This doesn't really tell you what I'm going to write about but what I'm referring to tonight is my father. As I wrote earlier today this is the first time since the divorce that I have of my own accord chose to go to my father's new house (he lives in Forney now), and regardless of my worrying, nothing has gone wrong at all. This relieves me beyond what words can express. I'm so very glad that this has gone so very well. Well, Im going to cut this blog short tonight. Reason being I'm gonna head out around 630 am to go see Trey (Sami's Brother) bowl in the morning and hang out with him and her all day tomorrow until she has to go to work then Trey and I are gonna hit some xbox maybe play some drums I've still got the book I learnt out of and think he might would enjoy it. Looking forward to a great day tomorrow can't wait!!!

Moving on, or rather Taking the First Steps to Doing so.

So, I'm for the first time I feel since the divorce going to my fathers house of my own accord. This is such a strange feeling for me, but a welcomed one to say the least. The relationship I feel I once had with this man is to say the least left in ruins of what it once was. I find myself worrying over this 'too good to be true' feeling I find myself to be consumed with. I've prayed about this, and whole heartedly hope it isn't going to revert to what it was a week or so ago. Life is beginning to look up, and even in the midst of all the change, and the uncertainty that accompanies it I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I have seen a drastic change in the way I look at things I've the last week and a half. I've been more careful about the music I listen to, and I really want to work on my language. This is a great start, but that's all it is the start of what I plan on being a very long journey. I just do my best to remind my self that without god I can't make these adjustments or changes, and I have to maintain this level of commitment to make the changes I want to make, and eventually become the man I hope to one day be.

Judgement, the Risk and Cost of Passing it, and Having it Passed Upon You.

"But before that can happen, Zooey tells Franny, they must respect their audiences
whether they like them or not. The Fat Lady is the image that represents this
idea. The unlikely image that they conjure in their minds shows that everyone,
no matter how ugly or stupid or egotistical, deserves to be acknowledged as a
worthwhile human being. People may have their faults, which Franny may hate, but
she should not hate the people themselves. Human beings, from the "Fat Lady" to
Jesus Christ, are all equally deserving of love."

-Unknown author analysis of J.D. Salinger's Franny & Zooey

This view, it's fundamentally perfect, and in my mind & eyes it couldn't be said in a simpler form. In my thoughts we should all conduct ourselves in this manner. Salinger used the example of the "Fat Lady" because it is an image that we as society have beent taught to reject, not want, and keep at a distance. The point the author makes is a simple, yet deep one. He's showing us that we should embrave everyone and treat this with the same compassion and the same respect we would if they were Jesus Christ themselves. Now this is idealogically perfect I know it is impossible. Everyone makes initial assesments of everyone the first time they see or meet them. I personally am terrible about this. At the risk of sounding cliche it goes back to the saying that you can't judge a book by its cover. Because not only are you attempting to do something that god didn't give us as humanbeings the capacity to do, you are more than likely wrong. I know, because I know how easy it is to throw up a front, and fool everyone around you. You never know who has seen what and who has been through what. The absolute best thing you can do is to follow the message J.D. Salinger attempted to convey to the readers, and that is to treat all human beings on the same plane. Regardless of position, worldly worth, or position. Because that image of the "Fat Lady" represents EVERYONE, you, me, even Jesus Christ. So, I ask you to do this, and I in turn will do my best to do the same. Keep in mind that you don't know everyones story; their life, hardships, trial, & tribulations. So, treat every human being with the same respect you yourself would want if not more.

Just some thoughts..